I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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