He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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