I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
