the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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