You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
