I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
