I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
