saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
