Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
