I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
