I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
