if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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