Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
