anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize