So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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