my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
