complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
