I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
