I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
