So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
