yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize