textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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