I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
