Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
