he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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