in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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