naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
