I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize