Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
