can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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