ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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