yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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