I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
