I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
