I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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