I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
