I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
