you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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