My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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