EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
