You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
