Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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