i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
