you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
