Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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