Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
