Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
