Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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