I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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