ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ๐๐
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually heโll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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