True but thats because hes a fetus.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
