will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
