I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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