I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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