Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
