***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
