I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
