Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize